Someone had to have seen this coming. Though, I guess that if you don’t know me maybe not. I am biased, I will admit. I hate scene kids with a passion. Not Kandy Kids, and trust me there is a difference, just scene kids. Why do I hate scene kids? I’ll tell you. That’s what this rant is going to be about, and it’s going to make me feel hundreds of times better about life and everythingness.

Maybe I should start off with what a scene kids is. To the untrained eye, a scene kid and a kandy kid are the same thing. YES, it is true that they look similar, but it’s the personality that makes all the difference. Kandy Kids are very goofy, friendly, and are all about having a good time. Scene Kids are pretentious, shallow, rude to anyone outside their circle of friends and are all about having a good time if it means concerts, poorly angled photographs they can post on their myspace.

Good, now that I got that over with. Let’s start with my actual argument.

Thesis: Scene kids are the most useless sub-culture to date.

Point one: Clothes. Where does a scene kid shop? Everywhere! Often found in Forever 21 for trendy layered tee’s (with funky patterns) and tight jeans, Hot Topic for band shirts, Claire’s for an excess of clunky plastic jewelry, and the Disney and Sanrio store because bringing back things you haven’t worn since 2nd grade is totally in. The aim of the scene kid look is a bizarre hybrid of bohemian carelessness, faux-retro revival, and a hardcore edge. The only problem is that these styles already exist. The hardcore kids have their style, the Kandy Kids own all the retro plastic accesories, and bohemian carelessness is best left to people who know their way around a thrift store and can actually pull the look off with some sort of class.

Point two: Music. One of the main reasons I cannot stand scene kids is their ability to fuck up a perfectly good band for me. Any good scene kid knows the following things. A: you cannot be scene unless you listen to at least five local bands. B: you cannot be scene unless you own more than two pieces of band crap from said bands. C: you cannot be scene unless you listen to at least two bands from every conceivable genre just so you can say that you indeed listen to every conceivable genre therefor making you seem a lot more well rounded than you actually are. D: you are not a scene kid unless you like every band you listen to more than anyone else in the entire world could possibly like that band. In fact, chances are you own that band, have been listening to it since before you were born, and are probably the only person who should ever be listening to them anyway. Except your friends, who are just as cool as you and obviously get to listen to them too. E: you have Norma Jean on your iPod.

Point three: Attitude. Scene kids know they’re attractive. Now, this doesn’t mean that they’re attractive, this only means that they know that they’re attractive. Clearly you’re just jealous that you aren’t them if you say otherwise. End point.

Point four: Hair. The mark of a true scene kid, the hair. Often created from a bizarre mixture of plastic extensions, bleach, and several tones of hair dye, these blasphemous creations are all the rage. If it has lots of angles, covers one eye, or looks like it belongs on a punk barbie, chances are you’re in!

Point five: Wealth. Now, I know that chances are that this isn’t true for every kid, but it is true for every scene kid I know personally. That totals to more than five, so don’t mess with me about this. Anyway, they’re all rich. Like… really, really rich. Which always leaves me with this sick idea that the scene kids are in fact a socially acceptable, rich kid rebellion. Got over 100,000 in the bank? Sick of having to do chores and drive the 2006 Mustang your parents bought you? Be a scene kid!

And that’s all I’ve got for today, folks. Scene kids, and why they need to be eradicated from existence.